The Return

Storm Flower 2019


How’s it going with you?

It’s been a while since I’ve sent out a blog.

I’ve been away for 6 months in Thailand, learning to teach Transcendental Meditation.

It was beautiful, I loved every moment, my inner nun was very happy! Rhythm, routine and a cocooned environment surrounded by nature, a truly heavenly experience.

I got back late January and the last 3 months have been…. (I’ll choose my words carefully…) a ‘period of readjustment and calibration’

And I’m almost exactly a year on from when the idea to take off and train as a TM teacher took hold.

A full cycle.

The call, the adventure and the return. The Classic Hero’s Journey.

The return is by far the hardest part….

Coming back…. It’s tough.

‘Away’ is a ‘non reality’… everything is possible…the sky’s the limit… feeling ready for change, for a new level of love and expansion, clarity and confidence…(and the sun helps)…

‘Back’ on the other hand is…’the rude awakening’… where nothing appears to have changed….a thick, heavy almost brooding energy…dark foreboding clouds… of  ‘get realness’.

Meanwhile the witness watches everything… like a film… but what kind of film is this? What does the lead character (me) want? Why does she live like this? What is this all about?

Yes, it’s a common state of existential crisis…

But knowing this is a common state of existential crisis does not help when one is drowning in this common state otherwise known as ‘WTF?’

Seeing everything differently, feeling everything differently.

Trying to reconcile the new with the old.

It’s been a kind of limbo.

The old not quite died away and the new not quite coming through.

I’ve been doing my best to release and let go, using the gift of fresh perspective to gain clarity and purpose.

To a greater or lesser degree I’ve succeeded but…

I’ve not been entirely present…

Watching the past melt away like the rushing landscape in the rear view mirror of a car …whilst not knowing the destination of the car…..

….Hoping that the car is driven by love rather than by fear…however suspecting that due to the level of anxiety of the passenger that it’s more likely the latter….

And wondering how I might help the driver change gear and get out of her head and back in the courageous heart space like I’d been experiencing during meditation training.

My heart had felt like a spectacularly open flower when I arrived back from Thailand on that brutal January 29th. Naively I’d imagined the precious bloom to be so powerful and glorious that it could withstand freezing temperatures, gales, torrential rain and the general assault of the city. Needless to say… like even the most magnificent of flowers subject to a storm, mine was a soggy, crumpled mess within about 20 minutes of arriving at Stansted airport.

It was a rough landing.

Yes we’ve all had a very nice time away and not wanted to go home, but this was on another level…

The shock was huge, maybe some of you sensitive types can empathise with me, my whole system shut down, yet there was a small, slow blinking light to show that the system had not entirely crashed and was still functioning… perhaps in hibernation mode.

But for all intense and purposes some lights were on… but no idea who was home.

I would have happily lived in a cave alone for the last 3 months with only my dog and the trees for company. Alas nooo …this is not what happened…almost immediately the pressure has been on to revive and survive… in particular my 2 ailing businesses, before the bank account ran out of juice completely.

So the survival character kicked in and we’ve managed to pull things together just enough to get by. The question simmering in the background has been ‘Where am I in all of this?’ Have I changed? Was it worth it? Did I find what I was looking for? Did I know what I was looking for?

How can I find myself in all this?

Then it dawned on me that this is the question I’ve been asking my self consciously and unconsciously most of my life.

And that the best way I’d found to productively work with this question Is to paint and more recently to meditate.

It’s this combination that has kept me grounded, energised and in alignment with my inner voice against the odds for years.

The role of painting in our quest to find ourselves and how you too can begin this journey is what I’ll be writing about for the next few weeks.

I’ll be sharing my unique approach that I’ve developed to create a painting that is deeply personal, resonant and reflective of the inner psyche. A process that can strengthen your intuition and awareness by utilising the language of symbolism and metaphor, the language of the soul. So that no matter how much we lose ourself and go off track, painting is one way we can always bring ourselves back.

So stay tuned… I’ll be sending out another blog soon!

Love and best wishes,


IMG-20190413-WA0010 (1)

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